That anxiety turned into full blown panic attacks as I entered adulthood. By full blown panic I mean I didn’t drive for a couple of years, I hardly traveled anywhere, I couldn’t stay alone. If I attempted any of these things panic happened. Here I was as a young wife and mother and I wanted to enjoy my life. I wanted some independence that I’d never had. Then BAM the air was knocked out of me.
During this time I became a Christian. You hear that and you think I bet that made everything better because Jesus, right? No....it actually made it worse.
1. If I truly believed in Jesus then I wouldn’t be fearful or anxious, right? That’s how I felt. I suffered much guilt because if I was “really” a Christian then I wouldn’t be fearful of anything.
2. I remember sitting and listening to preachers talk about trials and suffering and the negative things that would come from following Jesus. Yes, I’m aware of those things and aware that those are facts. I just wonder sometimes how different things would have been if I had heard more about God’s love and grace. Rather than waiting on the next bad thing to happen.
Today...where does that leave me today? Twenty three years after my first panic attack? I’d love to sit here and write that I am cured. That I know longer suffer. Nope...I still freak out when my vision goes wonky from a migraine. I still freak when my husband or kids don’t answer a text quickly. I still freak out when I’m in a closed room and can’t get out quick enough. Some days driving is still an issue. Does all of this make me a “bad” Christian? I’d like to think NO! I’d like to think it makes me human. I’d like to think it makes me a better Christ follower because these feelings pop up I have to turn to Jesus. I have to depend on Him. I was anti-anxiety meds for over twenty years. I am NOT, NOT, NOT anti meds!!! But in that twenty years I never once tried to find the root of the problem. I just used them as a band aid. I never once tried to turn to Jesus and ask Him to help me. Being off of the meds has forced me to turn to Jesus. It’s forced me to pray and to practice being still. Some times meds are needed. Some times being still is needed. I may go back to the meds some day.
What’s the purpose of me sharing this? Because no matter how I appear anxiety is a part of my real life. I won’t let the guilt over not being fearless or worry free control me. I will get up every day and surrender it to Jesus. When it creeps in during the day I will surrender it again. And again. And again. And again.
No comments:
Post a Comment